RoBiNs FaVoUrItEs - EVERYTHING TV RELATED: October 2010

SHIT MY DAD SAYS - EPISODE ONE TRANSCRIPT

Henry walks up to his father’s front porch talking to his mother on the cell phone

HENRY: Mom, hey, I need your help, I’m at dads
{Listens to response}
HENRY: Because I need to borrow money
{Listens to response}
HENRY: I got laid off, I’m broke
{Listens to response}

Father sits up in bed – ominous music plays

HENRY: You were married to the guy, what’s the best way to get money from him?
{Listens to response}
HENRY: Yeah I can’t divorce him

Guy grabs shotgun off the wall and cocks it

HENRY: You know what, I’m over thinking this, I haven’t seen him in two years, maybe he is a different guy, maybe he has mellowed – you know what I bet he has changed

Ed Goodson opens the door – aiming the shotgun at Henry

ED: Guts or nuts your choice
HENRY: He hasn’t changed {Whispers into the phone}

Theme plays

Ed Goodson walks back into the house – Henry follows

ED: Why didn’t you call first? Almost decorated my Buick with your balls
HENRY: Come on dad you wouldn’t do that to your Buick

Ed Goodson puts the shotgun back on its mounting

ED: I thought you were on of those jackasses, who show up on my door looking for a handout
HENRY: Right, the elections are coming up
ED: I’m talking about the girl scouts! They’re nothing but beggars with merit badges. There’s nothing worse than someone coming to your home, trying to get money out of ya
{Off Henry’s awkward look}
ED: What brings you to town Henry?
HENRY: Um, you know I thought you and I could talk face to face
{Ed steps up into Henry’s face}
ED: Here’s my face – talk
HENRY: Okay, this isn’t easy for me to say, dad there comes a time in a young mans life that …
{Ed holds out his hand in a stopping gesture}
ED: Son, are you coming out to me – because you wouldn’t last a minute in that world, you’re too pasty and you can’t dance
HENRY: I’m not gay dad, but thanks for letting me know that I’d suck at it
ED: Then what do you want?
HENRY: I just, mom says hi, she’s in Italy
ED: Well what’s that gotta do with anything?

HENRY: She was on the phone with me, uh, she’s doing the eat, pray, love tour, although I told her if she wants to get to the love part she will have to do a lot more praying and a lot less eating
ED: What’s that – a joke? You think it’s funny to insult a woman who pushed a giant moron through a tiny opening?
HENRY: I did, then you’re visual kinda killed it for me
ED: Are we done here? Because I’m going back to bed, it’s the middle of the night
HENRY: It’s nine o’ clock. There’s still kids playing outside
ED: Then play with them, I’m going to bed
HENRY: Okay, well if it’s okay with you I just crash on the couch?
ED: There’s a perfectly good cot in the attic
HENRY: The couch is fine
ED: I know the couch is fine, that’s why I don’t want you to sleep on it. What are we doing here, playing let’s make a deal? There is no choice – the cot is in the attic! Take it or leave, I’m going to bed!
HENRY: Wait I just wanna talk to you for a minute
ED: You got ten seconds
HENRY: Okay, here goes, dad, there comes a time in a young man’s life that …
ED: Good night

Ed leaves the room to go to bed

Next morning – fade in on the house from the outside to the inside – living room

Ed is sitting in front of the television eating cereal

{From television} Coming up, the inventor of carbon paper dies at the age of 88
ED: {Unintelligible} Oh please that’s not news, an old guy dies – so what? Now if he does something tomorrow that’s news!

Henry enters the room from up stairs holding his back

HENRY: Morning dad
ED: Why are you walking around like you’re in your third trimester?
HENRY: I’m about to push a giant complaint through a tiny opening! That cot is really uncomfortable
ED: You’re too good for that cot now? A navy buddy of mine died on that cot
HENRY: That would explain the big dark stain at the neck
ED: It’s not at the neck, I turned the bed around
HENRY: Quite a guest room, you’ve got there dad

Henry walks into the kitchen while talking

HENRY: Did you hear that noise coming from the garden this morning? It sounded like two animals fighting
ED: It was – me and a raccoon. I caught him trying to eat one of my cucumbers, I grabbed him by the tail and wind milled him into the shed – let him think about what he has done! Anything else you wanna complain about?
HENRY: I’m not complaining, it’s not what I’m doing. Garden looks great, cucumbers are huge, it’s like the land of the lost out there
ED: You should see my zucchini
HENRY: I think I did, last night, when you opened the door in your jammies
ED: Your brother and Bonnie are stopping by, to drop off some groceries and say hi
HENRY: Great, um, do you know how long they’re gonna be staying? I was hoping you and I could get some one – on – one time
ED: Why? Wanna braid each others hair and talk about boys?

HENRY: No, it’s not that, it’s just, I wanna, it doesn’t matter! What’s with the driver’s manual?
ED: Ugh, my license expires when I turn 72 next week, and they make me take the whole damn test again. If I don’t pass, I loose my license for five years
HENRY: Well, look, worse comes to worse, we’ll get you a bike; it’ll keep you in shape
ED: A bike? Take a look out that window; does this look like Bangkok? I’m not getting on any bike

Bonnie and Vince enter the house – Bonnie & Vince each holding a grocery bag

BONNIE: Knock, knock
ED: Shut the door
BONNIE: How bout hi?
ED: Hi, shut the door

Vince closes the door

HENRY: Look at this, San Diego’s king and queen of condos
VINCE: Come on, it’s not like we have three town houses in escrow, because we have four
BONNIE: Including one that had a murder in it – whazzup!

Bonnie and Vince do a weird hand gesture with each other

BONNIE: No, Ed, don’t get up for your daughter in law, I’m just holding 20 pounds of your groceries
ED: Did you get my fibre bars?
BONNIE: Yes!
ED: Did you get my fibre bread?
VINCE: Of course!
ED: Did you get my high fibre pasta?
BONNIE: Yes, you’ll be very happy, Ed. It’ll feel like you’re pulling a shipping yard rope through your intestines
VINCE: Henry, come here! Come on, come hug your brother from another mother
HENRY: What’s up Vince?
BONNIE: So how are things at the magazine?
ED: I got laid off and dad doesn’t know

Ed re-enters the living room

ED: Dad doesn’t know what?
HENRY: How hungry I am
ED; Dad doesn’t care!
BONNIE: I see the manual is out, I’m glad you’ve been studying
ED: Yeah, I haven’t studied yet, it’s hard to retain. You get older, the stuff you wanna keep in you, flows out of ya and the stuff that you wanna flow out of you stays in ya
BONNIE: Lovely sentiment, um, I’m sure you’re gonna pass Ed.
ED: Well I have to pass, cause if I don’t I won’t be able to drive, and I’ll be stranded out here all by myself
VINCE: Pop, you can always live with us, right pumpkin?
BONNIE: I’m sorry, what now?
ED: Well, that’s something to think about
VINCE: Where you going?
ED: Where I do all my thinking

Ed goes into the bathroom

BONNIE: You crazy, you just asked him to move in with us?
VINCE: Sweetheart, come on relax, it’s just something you say, he’s never going to take us up on the offer
BONNIE: Well what if he does, can you imagine him living in our condo? Think about it; think about our sex life, all the high pitched squealing, and all the weeping. You wouldn’t be able to do that anymore!

Bonnie & Vince go into the kitchen and join Henry at the table

BONNIE: So what happened with the job?
HENRY: Magazine went under, I got laid off. I’m broke. Went through all my savings and now I have to borrow money from dad and I don’t know how I’m gonna do it
VINCE: What’s the big deal, just ask him
HENRY: I keep trying, but every time I’m about to ask him, I, I just feel like I’m going to disappoint him
BONNIE: Henry, he’s your father. Of course you’re going to disappoint him, Mother Theresa would disappoint him
HENRY: She did, remember when he met her, Vince. He said it was like talking to fig wrapped in a napkin
VINCE: I don’t see what the big deal is? You disappoint him, so what? I disappoint him every minute of every day
HENRY: It’s different for you Vince, you grew up with dad, I don’t have a relationship with the guy
VINCE: Is that what you want?
HENRY; I didn’t think so, but then I see him and yeah I guess I do. Just wish he gave a crap
VINCE: Henry, what exactly are you looking for?
HENRY: Anything, just something to show he wants a relationship with me.
BONNIE: Like what, you want him to play Peter Gabriel on a boom box outside your window? I don’t …
HENRY: Just a gesture, any kind of gesture
BONNIE: Okay, I have news for ya, Henry. The only gesture your father makes is if someone cuts him off on the freeway. The gesture you’re looking for ain’t happening. So you just gotta be nice to him, ask him for the money and restart your life.

Fade out and back in – outside of the house – music playing in the background

Ed is sitting in his chair, listening to his record player and Henry enters from the kitchen

HENRY: Okay, dishes are done. I swept the floors, wiped down the counters so they look nice, nice, nice, and nice. I need to disinfect.
ED: Son! Sit down the house is clean enough. We didn’t accidentally kill a hooker, we had brunch
HENRY: You know what, you’re right. Hey, how about we study for you driving test?
ED: Good.
HENRY: Alright, okay. Your involved in a minor traffic collision with a parked car, and your unable to locate the owner, you must a) …
ED: What part of town am I in?
HENRY: I don’t know, downtown. It’s not that important
ED: I don’t like downtown, it smells of motor oil and hummus
HENRY: Fine, then you’re at the store down the street
ED: Which store, the one with the slow kid who works in produce?
HENRY: No the other one
ED: No, I like the one with the slow kid. He knows his vegetables
HENRY: Dad, you were a navy doctor, you performed surgeries in war zones. Why can’t you focus?

{Music becomes pronounced again}

ED: Go on, I’m focused
HENRY: No, it’s the song
ED: What do you mean?
HENRY: I know
ED: No
HENRY: That’s the song you and mom used to dance to
ED: How do you know that, you were five when we split up.
HENRY: I guess, you just remember some things
ED: What do you need, Henry?
HENRY: What do you mean?
ED: Well, you’ve been around all day, you cleaned the house, helped me study. What do you need? Money?
HENRY: Wow! You - really! I’m just being nice to my dad, that’s all!
ED: Son, if it looks like manure and smells like manure, it’s either wolf blitz or manure!

Ed walks back into kitchen and Henry follows

HENRY: Would you stop looking for reasons to be disappointed in me
ED: Stop giving me reason for being disappointed in you
HENRY: What reasons? I did everything right. I did well in college, I got a good job at a magazine. The thing went under and yes, I got laid off. I got college loans to pay, so what if I need a little help. Newsflash dad, so does half the country!
ED: You know what son, I’d have had more respect for you if you had just come right out and told me what you needed like a man. If I wanted somebody to be nice to me for money, I would have rented out the back room at the reeking oyster.
HENRY: That is so typically you. You love to be needed dad. But when somebody actually needs you, you loose respect for them.
ED: Which brings me to my original question – what do you need?
HENRY: What do I need? I need a dad that would for once, just once, let me walk out of his home without feeling worse than when I walked in
ED: You’re being dramatic!
HENRY: Dramatic! I haven’t seen you in two years, you don’t even give me a bed to sleep on. You put me in the attic, on a tiny cot that has a bloodstain, that is a bloodstain right, I need to hear you tell me that is a bloodstain – don’t tell me!
ED: I treat you no differently than anybody else
HENRY: Exactly! I’m not anyone else, I’m your son. You’re supposed to build me up, not tear me down
ED: I build you up
HENRY: Really, did you build me up that time I got a hair cut and you told me I looked like a lesbian in the Navy?
ED: A lesbian in the Navy saved my life!
HENRY: Did you build me up when you told me that my one and only father’s day poem to you was an affront to the English language?
ED: It was!
HENRY: I was eight!
ED: Even an eight year old knows that you don’t rhyme dad with bat

Ed leaves the kitchen

HENRY: Okay, if you ever wonder why you don’t have a relationship with your kids, this is why!
ED: I have a perfectly fine relationship with Vince. Why just today he asked me to come and live with him and his wife
HENRY: I guarantee that if you actually took him up on the offer, they’d freak
ED: You’re wrong!
HENRY: They wouldn’t know what to say. It would just be gibberish coming out of their mouths
ED: You don’t know what you’re talking about. And let me give you a piece of advise, if your gonna kiss my ass for money, at least put on a nice shade of lipstick!
HENRY: I don’t even know what that means! And is that really the only reason you think I’m here, for money?

Henry looks crazy; eyes go wide and cannot believe they are having this conversation

ED: Am I wrong?
HENRY: No, dad you’re not wrong. You’re right! You’re always right! You know what you’re reward is for being right? Being alone! And I’d keep an eye on your cucumbers, I let the raccoon out.

Henry goes to the front door and opens it. He closes it again and moves away quickly

HENRY: He’s on the front porch and looks pissed, so I’m going out the back door

Henry leaves through the back door and leaves Ed standing in the living room alone, pondering what was just said

Fade out

Fade back in – living room
Ed, Vince and Bonnie seated drinking coffee

ED: You know Henry said something this morning that got me thinking, all alone out here, rattling around in this old house. I thought I’d maybe sell the place, take you up on your offer and come live with you, what do you say?

Vince & Bonnie both freeze and looks shocked – mumbling ensues

ED: I’d take the guest room, in the back of the house, you won’t even know I was there

More mumbling ensues

ED: I’d help with the mortgage payments and my share of the household expenses

More mumbling

ED: Although, I can’t leave this house, my things are here, my garden is here so thanks for the offer but I’m not going to come and live with you
BONNIE: Aah, are you sure Ed? We have that extra room

Fade out

Fade back in – DMV offices

OFFICER: Can you tell me what the top most image is?
ED: Two squirrels fornicating. What the hell does it look like, it’s a gigantic E
OFFICER: And the line below that?
ED: Why do I have to keep identifying letters? I’ve been driving for sixty years and I’ve never been rear ended by a gigantic E!
OFFICER: Clearly you’ve never driven down Sesame Street

Cut back to later – still at the DMV offices. Ed has taken his test and is being marked

OFFICER: Uh, uh, uh. Ooh! Aaw!
ED: Aaw!
OFFICER: Would you look at that, you failed by one teeny tiny point. That is such a shame. Guess we won’t be seeing your pleasant face for another five years
ED: What do you mean, I failed?
OFFICER: Yeah, maybe you can get one of those motorized scooters my morbidly obese aunt uses! Next!
ED: You can’t fail me, I’ve gotta be able to drive
OFFICER: Oh I can! Kinda my job. But I’m sure you’re surrounded by people who love you and are dying to drive you where ever you want to go, given that you are such a delight. Next!
ED: I don’t have any people
OFFICER: Oh, come on.
ED: No I have no one. Boy I have really screwed up
OFFICER: It’s just a driving test
ED: I’m not talking about the driving test, I’m sorry I was rude to you, you didn’t deserve it. You’re just doing your job; you seem like a perfectly nice homo – sexual
OFFICER: I’d like to think that I am
ED: I’ll let you get on with your job
OFFICER: Wait! Don’t you have any family that can drive you to where you need to go? Any kids?
ED: Yeah, but I’ve screwed that up too. Well, I’ll let you carry on
OFFICER: Wait! Can’t believe I’m doing this.

He pulls out Ed’s test again and corrects it

OFFICER: Oops, here. 71 you passed
ED: Thank you
OFFICER: You know, my dad screwed up with me, then you know what happened – he fixed it. That’s the thing no matter how old your kids get, it’s never too late to be a dad

Ed takes something from his pocket

ED: Here, I’d like you to have this
OFFICER: What is it?
ED: It means a great deal to me, they gave it too me in ‘Nam for sowing a guys sack back on

He clips the pin on his jersey

Fade out

Fade in – outside the house – flash to inside

Ed sitting in his chair – presumably the next day eating his cereal – Henry enters

ED: Henry!
HENRY: Hi dad
ED: You wanna come and sit down? Have a bowl of grape nuts? Got a little gift for ya
HENRY: Honestly, I don’t want anything. I just came by to get my stuff. I’m leaving, um, my buddy is going to let me crash on his couch
ED: Where?
HENRY: L.A!
ED: When?
HENRY: Now!
ED: Why?
HENRY: Because!
ED: I seeeeeeeeeee!
HENRY: So I’m going to get my stuff now
ED: Ok

HENRY: Ok!
ED: Sure you don’t want to stick around and have a bowl of grape nuts?
HENRY: I can’t
ED: Why not?
HENRY: I’m going
ED: Where?
HENRY: L.A
ED: When?
HENRY: Now!
ED: Why?
HENRY: Because
ED: I seeeeeeeeeeee! You know, you might wanna stick around, you might like what I got you
HENRY: You’re not getting it. This isn’t happening. It was a bad idea for me to come here; I was looking for something that doesn’t exist, so now I’m leaving. I don’t want anything from you. Enjoy you’re life
ED: Fine! You’re gonna go – go! For the record I never really got you a gift
HENRY: I never asked for one

Knock at door

ED: I didn’t you get one.
HENRY: Fine

Knock at door

HENRY: You gonna get that?
ED: Get what?
HENRY: There’s someone at the door
ED: I didn’t hear anything

Doorbell rings

ED: I didn’t hear that either. Good luck Henry
HENRY: Dad, why aren’t you answering the door?
ED: Which door?

Knock at door

HENRY: Oh my goodness, I’ll get the door

Henry opens the door. There are two guys outside holding a mattress

M/GUY: I got a mattress delivery
ED: Wrong house
M/GUY: And Ed Goodsen doesn’t live here
ED: Very common name
M/GUY: Eddison Milfred Goodson the third
ED: Somewhat common name
HENRY: Dad, is this the gift?
ED: No, they’ve obviously made a mistake
M/GUY: Card says “To Henry enjoy this gift, Dad”
ED: This is getting very eerie!

HENRY: Dad, why did you get me a bed?
ED: You were complaining about the bed, so I got you a bed
HENRY: For what?
ED: Too sleep
HENRY: Where?
ED: Upstairs
HENRY: When?
ED: Tonight
HENRY: Why?
ED: Because
HENRY: I see! Dad, is this you’re way of asking me to live here?
ED: Why would I want you to live here? You’re a pain in the ass who only wants my money. You’re like a girl scout without the cookies
HENRY: I’m gonna get my stuff
ED: Just a gesture
HENRY: Excuse me?
ED: It was a gesture, the bed, it was just a gesture. Why does everything need to be said?
HENRY: We’ll take the bed. Thank you
ED: I’d wait to thank me. Wait till you see where I put the raccoon

Fade out

Fade in – living room Henry puts on a record and Ed walks in

ED: What the hell are you doing?
HENRY: Come on dad, if I’m gonna be living here, I gotta be able to use your record player
ED: Well gentle dammit, it’s not a pair of boobs on one of your sweaty dates

The music starts playing – Henry dances by himself

HENRY: Remember this? It had to be – spin, sway, come on Barb stay – with - me {impression of Shatner}
ED: Why can’t someone do a good impression of me?

They dance together

ED: If you wanna do it, do it right! It had to be you, spin, spin; it had to be you, sway, sway
HENRY: I told you Vince wasn’t going to let you live with them. He’s so full of it
ED: Don’t criticize your brother; he does the best he can
HENRY: Yeah, I guess we all just do the best we can
ED: Not you – you can do better. Still hope for you
HENRY: Thanks dad – you know you can be a really nice guy when you wanna be

Ed dips Henry during the dance

Knock at the door

ED: Who is it?
HENRY: Girl scouts, would you like some cookies?
ED: It’s shotgun time!

He drops Henry to the floor and goes for his shotgun

RoBiNs FaVoUrItEs - EVERYTHING TV RELATED

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Sunday, October 17, 2010

SHIT MY DAD SAYS - SEASON 1 EPISODE 1

Saturday, October 16, 2010

NCIS CROSSWORD

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